Sharing this on here as I need to vent into the ether but don't want to put it up [redacted] social media network because I have family on there and I don't want them to read certain parts

06/12/2020 (Personal Journal entry)

I'm mad at the world. I'm mad at myself. I've been so fucking lazy and inconsistent with things this year. I've not looked after my mental and physical health. I've been eating too much junk and getting fat.

Not that I think weed is a bad thing necessarily but I've been using it as a crutch this year and using anything, not just drugs, as a crutch can be dangerous.

I've not followed through with my plans very well. I pretty much ditched my Commercial Cookery Cert 4 and I don't expect myself to finish it at a later point, as it has nothing to offer me with regards to my own food ambitions. I tried to keep up with Yoga but once it went online because Rona, I lost motivation.

I've tried socialising after the lockdown restrictions were lifted but I always just feel flat and exhausted. I meet up with friends and I briefly feel happy but afterwards, I just want to be alone for several days, even up to a week.

I don't even feel like walking the dog most days and I have to pretty much force myself to do it when I do take him for a walk. It just feels Iike I'm merely surviving from day to day.

I was supposed to attend a friend's end of year gathering today and I even baked a cake and made a salad for it but then I don't know, I didn't end up going and now I have this cake and salad that I have to find someone to share with or just eat the whole fucking thing myself.

I can't wait for this year to end and the new one to come. I know I can reset and try to sort my shit out at any time if I put my mind to it but honestly, I think I don't have it in me. There's just a little bit under one month left in the year. Just trying to exist until then, not even live. Just exist. Then I hope the new year brings more energy for me.

I want to be happy and healthy and have a good social life and a fulfilling work life. I want to have enthusiasm for learning again, I briefly had it again for AUSLAN (Australian sign language) but it faded. I don't feel like me, like Sijie, I haven't felt like me for most of this year. I want to find me again. I want to get my groove back. I want to be ON, not on Standby or Screensaver mode. I want to get shit done!